Girl Interrupted

Dear Diary #32

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:50:32 GMT

I picked up a book. One of those books written in first person and you just know aren't written by a person who has actually gone through the events described, but that's okay, cause the message comes through. The book is Go Ask Alice, and I'm just getting to the end now.

There's two endings, one where she gets over the drugs, and one where she doesn't, and a narrator takes over to find her body.

Before that, there's a line about journal writing. But I think when a person gets older she should be able to discuss her problems and thoughts with other people, instead of just with another part of herself.

I feel strangely optimistic.

Filtered to Ry, Jocelin, Renee

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 09:40:23 GMT

Hey you guys, what's going on? I figure, just because one of our number has decided to up and go it to Wales, doesn't mean we can't all talk here. I mean, Ry's already proven they are advanced enough to have internets where he is.

So, what's everyone up to?

Dear Diary #31

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 03:51:54 GMT

Holy Fuck! Now the Thames is FLOODING?? London really needs to think about being built around another river!

Dear Diary #30

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 06:38:11 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a little primary school girl. And there was her mother. Her mother the whole depression thing and the girl realised early on that she had to look after herself. She made school lunches. She made sure the doors were locked at night. She went to high school.

A couple of years into high school, the little girl thought something was wrong with her mum. At first she thought it was something she had done. It wasn't. It was another person. A man. And with the man, came a son. He had biting sarcasm and a cunning that matched her own, though she would never had admitted it at the time.

And then there was a boy. A boy who was best friend to one and boyfriend to the other. A really special boy, who had soft eyes and made you believe that someone cared. He brought them out, and made them friends, and made other people friends with them.

And then, one day, he was gone.

Don't forget about us, Ry.

Filtered to Jocelin

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 14:50:16 GMT

A baby? A baby that's seriously yours?

Filtered to Ry

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:30:49 GMT

Do you ever wish for the old days? When you and I and Jocelin and Tristan would lie around on his couch for hours on end? When we'd all light up just because we fancied that the pot smell was getting lost in the walls? Probably the first sign that we didn't need anymore.

It wasn't just all about the drugs, was it? We were all just friends as well, right? Just four kids trying to get by?

Tell me, how do you remember it?

Dear Diary #29

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:30:37 GMT

I guess that's that then.

Filtered to Jocelin

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:07:51 GMT

Sleep with me tonight. No snide comments. Let's just, I don't know, give Daniel another reason to be proud of us.

Private

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 05:57:24 GMT

Right. The aftermath of the school massacre seems mostly over for those around me. I've been going to some of Ry's lectures, letting Renee take photographs of me. I've talked to my work about doing less hours, and even though I don't quite know what I want to do to fill in those hours, I feel better about it.

I feel better about it, but something else inside is just miserable. It's like the utter absence of something to flail about is upsetting! God, I'm so disgusting.

How long until I'm kicked out of this place?

~~I should have let Jocelin ...~~

Dear Diary #28

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:56:59 GMT

People seem to be all doing so much with their lives. It's great to see everyone so... so caught up in things that make them happy, and make their lives much better.

I feel like I want to do something to. Something more than just work in a shop for the rest of my young life. I never really gave that thought when I started, but I think I'm starting to now. There are a couple of girls who are still there who were there when I started but...

I just don't know, if I went out and tried to find something that made me happy, and made my life much better... what would that thing be?

Dear Diary #27

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 04:44:46 GMT

It came to my attention that I hadn't written a proper post in here since I moved into Eden Court, and it seems to me as though I should.

Everything is pretty much settled and unpacked in my room now. I've never had a lot of things, so it didn't take a great long time. Lucas and Lee were wonderful with helping move stuff across. I don't think I have anything left at the Palace now...

Work is well and truly back after the Christmas break. It was wonderful to spend Christmas at Ry's house.

It sucks that this year has had such a sad beginning to it. I think I've seen everyone in person that I know who has anything to do with London College. I can't think of anything left to say about that that I haven't already said.

Such different music is played in this house.

Filtered to Renee

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 12:41:15 GMT

I've been trying to be more like you lately, Renee. You probably think it sounds silly, but you'll be too nice to say so. I remember meeting you and Pierre for the first time after I came out of rehab and was living with Ry. I've been thinking about that a lot since I moved into Eden Court. I remember thinking you were someone who was sweet, but someone who could take care of themselves. Now... I admire you, Renee. You've probably heard this said to you a million times before, so I'll just be one million and one, cause it's true.

But I have to ask, when you're faced with as much death, and the pain of so many others, like tonight, how do you face up to that? Maybe I've been hanging around with the boys for too long. I just don't understand how you do it.

Friends Only

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 13:09:18 GMT

Hah, Ryan is in teh bathroom, and I recon we can all convince the boy that he is wrong about a SHakespeare quote, right? I mean, how well does he really knwo theM?

Does everyone realise how much it freaks him out ot think he's misquoting something?? *snigger*

Dear Diary #26

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:17:21 GMT

So here I am, house sitting at Ry and Stephie's house until he gets back from Scotland and she gets back from... Paris, is it? Probably a good thing, I reckon both Kay and Misha are completely sick of me by now. I guess I'm actually going to have to start looking into a real place of my own soon. I can't just keep living on Misha and Kay's generosity.

So guess what I'm doing in other windows while writing this. You won't believe how much bollocks is on the market. I'm trying to imagine the landlord of this place with a flat that, from the photos, doesn't look like it has any inside doors...

Next.

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 12:03:44 GMT

Misha? I'm gonna be out tonight. Don't know if you'll get this or if you'll be too drunk...

But you don't need to worry anyway. I'm fine.

Private

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 05:34:44 GMT

Am I more afraid that Ry is cutting all of us out? Or that it's just me?

Filtered to Ry

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 10:00:52 GMT

Ry, please talk to me. Have I done something? Don't cut me out. I can't handle it if both you and Tristan keep me at a distance.

Filtered to Ry

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 12:48:43 GMT

Hey sweetie, just wondering how you are. Hadn't heard from you for a while.

Dear Diary #26

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:23:25 GMT

Things aren't bad.

No, let me start that again. Some things are happening that I would rather not. Some people are hurt when I would rather not. But some people are happy too. Some people aren't hurting other people.

So I'm going to smile as I write this. I'm going to steal Misha's computer a little longer to be able to post this. I'm going to be a little bit envious that Misha's art is so talented and I can hardly pick up a lead pencil without dropping it. Maybe more than a little bit envious.

Filtered to Tristan

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:15:07 GMT

There's no way of writing this post. I'm not going to sound good however it's written. If I don't write it, then you're going to call it a lie later on.

I saw Jocelin last night. I was the one who told him to come, because Ry needed him. He wasn't going to come, he wasn't going to be there because of his best friend because of the ... because I was going to be there. Yeah. He actually listened when I told him to stay away from me. That surprised me.

So I told him to be there, and so I saw him last night, and so it was my fault. I'm not trying to lie. I originated the contact, and now you're not going to want to speak to me again, and probably call me a liar because I said that I wasn't going to see Jocelin and then I went and saw him anyway. So even though I'm telling the truth, I probably just seem like a liar to you, right?

This is too hard. I shouldn't have to check in with you every time I do something. You don't need that. I don't need that.

I'm not going to do this anymore. No excuses, no lies.

Filtered to Tristan

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 04:45:15 GMT

You don't need to worry about things to do with us right now. I'm going to stay out of your way until the court stuff is over. You don't have to ask me to.

I know you're going to come out on top of this.

Private

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 11:48:15 GMT

Court date

I was going to be right there with you for that. Now I wonder if it would even help you to have me there at all.

Filtered to Jocelin

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 09:19:42 GMT

Why are you doing this??

Dear Diary #25

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 08:55:04 GMT

Today is the greatest
Day I ’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I’ve tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Private

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 12:50:04 GMT

I don't know what to say in here.

Except DAMNIT!!

Damnit damnit, and oh god damnit. It shouldn't have to be like this.

I'm just lucky that Misha wants someone here to keep her company.

Yeah, lucky. That's the word for it.

:( Fuck this is shite.